Joy…

Wrote this on Monday while having treatment. I felt really euphoric and grateful…

IMG_7804

Sunrises like this make running at 5am worth it

Can’t beat this feeling. I’m sat having chemo watching some of my favourite music videos on Youtube. I’m enjoying a nice sleepy buzz from the from the huge dose of Piriton I had earlier. They give it to me to stop me having an allergic reaction to the treatment. It knocks me out and I often joke that the nurses administer it just to shut me up.

IMG_7903

The nurses at Rosemere are amazing!

It’s a gorgeous day outside, but I’m not sad to be indoors. The windows are open and there’s lovely  gentle breeze blowing softly in. The atmosphere in the chemo room feels light and airy. It’s a joy to be here. I’m sleepy and could feel vulnerable, but I’m safe and cared for. I love spending time with the nurses. They never stop smiling. Who wouldn’t want to spend time amongst such cheeriness. I also don’t mind being here, because it feels like I’ve already done my work today. This morning, before treatment, I ran 6 miles and have been to the gym. It’s always important to me to fit in exercise before chemo, because it might be a few days before I can do it again.

IMG_7775

Such a beautiful sunrise. I love the peach and orange hues

This morning felt extra special though. I usually run at 5am with my friend Simon. Running at this time of day we’ve seen all kinds of weather, especially in the winter when it’s so dark I’ve used a head torch. Just as it was starting to get light again the clocks changed and plunged us back into darkness. We’ve not been for an early run recently, so it was a surprise to be running in sunlight all of a sudden. This morning’s sunrise bathed the world in a beautiful warm, deep orange glow. It was a joy to experience the world as it was waking. It felt like God crafted such a breathtaking sunrise just for us. There were lots of people around later in the morning when I was on my way back from the gym. I was stopping to take photos while they went about their mornings travelling to work and school. I couldn’t believe it that no one else was stopping to appreciate this daily miracle.

IMG_7770

Love running with my buddy Simon

That’s the great thing about retiring from work on ill health grounds. I’ve got the time and opportunity to appreciate the commonplace. I guess it’s also the cancer and the connection I have with my own mortality. It’s not unusual for people who’ve had their existence threatened to find joy in creation and the natural environment. The musician Wilko Johnson was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer around the same time as me back in 2012. He has talked about how he’d never felt as alive as when he’d been told he had incurable cancer. A self confessed ‘miserable so and so’ all his life, he felt intense elation when sunshine hit his face as he left hospital upon hearing the news.

IMG_7812

Even when you’ve been told you have cancer and may die there’s still so many things to be grateful for. That was definitely how I felt 5 mins into my run yesterday. It had been a rotten day. For most of it I’d been struggling with pain from a blockage in my stoma. I’d missed an exercise class I’d been looking forward to for ages and a lunch with friends. I was in a stinker of a mood and was getting cross with my family, so I took myself off for a run after dinner. It was a lovely evening, the sort to be enjoyed with a nice glass of wine, but instead I was out running. It was exactly what I needed. Running in the sunshine melted away all my grumpiness. And as the light started to fail the sunset was just as breathtaking as today’s sunrise. It was a joy to behold. I felt like God knew I was in a funk and put the sunset there to lift my spirits.

IMG_7693

A breathtaking sunset on Sunday.

Finding joy in the banal and everyday, like a sunrise or sunset is what I try to do these days, there are so many blessings to count. Even if it rains the rest of the week at least I’ve had a lovely day today with a warm, sunny blanket wrapped around me during treatment. I’ve also had great company from nurses and fellow patients, some beautiful sights to appreciate and the energy to run too. I feel fortunate.

 

We are fundraising for three amazing cancer charities: Beating Bowel Cancer, Mummy’s Star and Rosemere Cancer Foundation. Thanks so much for all your donations so far.

Please click on the link to donate, any donations would be gratefully received:

http://www.virginmoneygiving.com/bensbowelmovements

I’m on facebook: facebook.com/6marathons6months

Advertisements

Dead last is greater than did not finish…

There’s a maxim that’s popular amongst runners it goes “dead last is greater than did did not finish, which trumps did not start”. My 23rd marathon brought this to mind yesterday. The Temple Newsam marathon was tough and, as my interest in this quotation implies, I finished last. That was a first for me. In a way it’s nice after 2 years and 23 marathons to still have new experiences, but it still hurt and it taught me a valuable lesson.

image

About to start

 

It took me 5hrs55 and I struggled! A lot! It was a really undulating trail marathon, so a lot different to the pancake flat city streets of Manchester last weekend. Soon after the start today I knew I was in trouble, but I managed to dig in and stuck at it doggedly until I was done.

image

 

That I finished at all has a lot to do with Helen, the tail runner. She accompanied me throughout the race. Having company on a long run is great. It raises you spirits. It’s not for nothing that Alan Sillitoe wrote his famous story, “the Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner”. Running is a solitary experience and it can be very hard on the mind, especially when things aren’t going well.

image

When the race started my legs felt heavy. I tried running for a few minutes, but there was nothing there, no energy and no spring in my step. As I began to walk, and was passed by the only runner behind me, my heart sank a little. My expectations for the race changed. I had wanted to get around in a decent time, while maintaining my streak of not finishing last in a race, but this switched in an instant and I was forced to rethink my plan.

image

This streak was something I took a lot of satisfaction from. No matter how much I’ve been battered by treatment or how tired and weary my body has been, from running and training in the gym, I always managed to finish in front of others. I was very proud of this. But from an excess of pride comes arrogance and hubris. I have always tried to be humble about my achievements, but where running is concerned perhaps I’d started to feel entitled, like I was too good to finish last.

 

img_6613-1

I was sad when that runner passed me, but now I’m pleased for him that he did and stayed out in front. He was better than me. It was a great reminder not to take myself too seriously. I’m no better than anyone else. There probably aren’t many people running a marathon a month alongside chemo every two weeks. But that doesn’t mean anything at all in a race. Not one thing!

image

With Helen after the race

I might have finished last, but I made it back before the 6 hour cut off for the race. It was by no means my slowest marathon and if I’d entered a bigger race with more participants there would have been hundreds behind me. But I wouldn’t have learned anything about myself or gotten to meet and spend almost 6 hours with Helen, a lovely fellow fitness nut and optimist. We had a great laugh. Besides, if I wanted not to be last I could train harder, or run fewer marathons. No one gets anything for free and as Oprah Winfrey has said: “running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it”.

image

Getting a lovely post race massage from my talented daughter Isobel

Anyway it’s onwards and upwards to the London Marathon next week. A truly wonderful race and I’m very excited to take part for second year with my lovely wife Louise. I’ve not run marathons three weeks in a row before. Chemo every fortnight makes running hard and I’m pretty much running at my limit. Last weekend was tough, yesterday’s race was tougher still, but I’m determined!

IMG_0059

Running London with Louise in a few days. Can’t wait!

Thanks so much for all your donations so far. We are fundraising for three amazing cancer charities: Beating Bowel Cancer, Mummy’s Star and Rosemere Cancer Foundation.

Please click on the link to donate, any donations would be gratefully received:
www.virginmoneygiving.com/bensbowelmovements

 

I’m on facebook: facebook.com/6marathons6months

…and twitter too: @ChemoDadRuns

 

Marathon 22 done, 23 here we come…

It was my second Greater Manchester marathon. The atmosphere was amazing and although I wasn’t as fit as last year and my running was disjointed I had an absolutely wonderful time.

One thing I’ve learned from running the marathon twice, in 2015 as a fit runner going for a time and last weekend, as a more relaxed runner just looking to get round, is that marathons just hurt. Regardless of your targets for the race. When racing a marathon and going for a time you strain every sinew and try and extract every last ounce of speed. It hurts! At the end of the race last year my sprint finish was more hobbling, less running. I broke myself last year a little, but it was worth it. I knocked 38 mins of my PB and finished in 4hrs14.

11148469_10153336607629363_3667670228375343224_n

Hobbling to the finish last year

Last weekend I didn’t have the fitness to run the full 26.2 miles continuously, so it was very stop/start. I had struggled to get any momentum in training. So I strained every sinew, not to extract every last ounce of speed, but just to summon every last bit of determination (and everything else I had) just to finish. It’s amazing how breathless you get when your body is in crisis and you’re trying to place on foot in front of the other. I finished in 5hrs24 and I learned that no matter how fit or unfit you are marathons just hurt!

IMG_6276 (1)

With my dear mate Fay before setting off

But no matter how tough it was I never lost my joy. That was in part because of how great it is to run with my mate Fay. No matter what we always have a laugh. Even if I’m joking about the various ways in which my body was malfunctioning, the knee that went into spasm or the feet that just didn’t stop aching. There are serous things in life, like illness and the cancer treatment I’d have the day after this race. Running isn’t like that, it’s a luxury, a joy.

IMG_6456

Having chemo the day after the Greater Manchester marathon, my 22nd full marathon

It didn’t matter that I wasn’t in great shape. I’m just lucky to be running. In the last year I’ve lost many friends to cancer. Losing people like Ric and Max, two of life’s loveliest blokes, makes me more determined than ever to do as much as I can to raise awareness of cancer symptoms, issues and of course funds.

Lining up at any race start line is a privilege. My own cancer could stop me running at any point. I feel lucky to be taking part at one of the biggest marathons in the country for a second year. But I’m truly blessed to still be alive three years after being told I might not last 6 months. Three very important years with my three young daughters Skye 11, Isobel 6 and Heidi 3 and my wife Louise. I truly am a lucky guy!

It was great to see so many friends in Manchester during the marathon, runners and spectators alike. I was especially pleased to see John, a bowel cancer patient like me, and his wife Jude on the course. I was struggling a little at that stage and when I saw them I got a little emotional. I was reminded of why I’m running- to try and help other patients. The joint Lymm Runners and Red Rose Road Runners water station at the 8 mile marker was amazing. I have many friends at both clubs and was given a rousing reception. It gave me a huge boost and sustained me through the next few miles.

My body started to break down more and more towards the end of the race, but I always like to finish strong. Despite my physical condition I was raise my pace in the straight. Cheered on by a huge contingent from my club Charlton Runners near the end I spent every last ounce of strength, summoned my last drop of resolve and attempted to muster a finish worthy of a great bloke and like my mate Eric. He’s another bowel cancer patient and is sadly not doing so well at the moment. I dedicated my race to him and did my very best. I hope I did him proud!

I’ll definitely run the Greater Manchester marathon next year, if I’m well enough. It’s an amazing race and the biggest we have locally. It was wonderful to be greeted by people I’d never met. Very kind indeed. There was also a spectator that called me ‘Ben’s Bowel’. It’s amazing that people have heard about me and know about what I’m trying to do.

IMG_6461

Was pleased to have the chance to talk to That’s Lancashire about bowel cancer awareness month in the week.

This was the first of three marathons I’m running this month. Today I’m running the Temple Newsam Marathon on the outskirts of Leeds. Next week I’m running the London Marathon with Louise, my wife. It’s going to be tough, but I’m determined!

We are fundraising for three amazing cancer charities: Beating Bowel Cancer, Mummy’s Star and the Rosemere Cancer Foundation. Please click on the link to donate, any donations would be gratefully received:

http://www.virginmoneygiving.com/bensbowelmovements

Scanxiety

Scanxiety: Noun [skan-zi-etee]: Uneasiness waiting for ones scans after cancer treatment (thanks to Heather Von St. James for providing a succinct definition).

P1060606

Love my family. Us with the Mayor of Preston, Cllr Margaret McManus

I think it was my friend Julie that first made me aware of this term. Up to then I’d always thought it was just me that got ridiculously anxious waiting for scan results. It doesn’t matter how positive I am or how much I do to distract myself I’m still vulnerable to doubts and worries ahead of finding out if my treatment is still working.

P1060515

Louise and I got very muddy at Tough Mudder. It’s all in the name I guess.

It’s silly really over the last 34 or so months, since my treatment started working, I’ve had probably 10 scans all of which have shown that my cancer is stable and hasn’t spread. Recently though a courageous cancer affected little lymph node has been gradually increasing in size and has doubled over the last year. Courageous, because while it has carried on getting bigger, it is in a cluster behind my vital organs and has doggedly clung on to all cancerous cells it contains. It hasn’t bothered any of its friends, by allowing the cancer to spread.  Despite the fact my treatment has still been effective, waiting for results just never gets any easier.

IMG_4505

I’m really proud of all I’ve achieved, but I couldn’t have do any of it without the amazing people at Rosemere!

 

In the past getting bad results have left me in a state of shock and shaken the very foundations of my existence. When Louise and I were told that my second course of chemotherapy hadn’t worked and I wouldn’t be cured my hopes and aspirations for the future evaporated in an instant. I worried a great deal about my wife and three young daughters. For a few days, at least, I was sunk. It was horrible and those feelings never really leave you. Like most emotional pain it dims over time, but rears its ugly head from time to time.

P1060339

Proud of my eldest, Skye, walking Snowdon with us!

I suppose there are some parallels to be drawn between cancer scan results and running. In sport and with cancer; results are the ultimate reckoning. Running in a race can be tough. When you’re running at your limit, any niggling little injuries or lack of training is exposed. The clock never lies. But scan results are even less compromising. Just like running everything you’ve eaten, all the exercise you’ve taken, the chemo sessions you’ve put in all come out in the scan report. If you get bad scan results your treatment options at best change, or at worst decrease. There’s always an another race, another training cycle in running. But scan results are new, final and definitive.

IMG_4502

Marathon medal number 21 🙂

I’ll try and concentrate on the positives though. Since June 2013 my treatment regimen of Cetuximab and Irinotecan has been working. Since that time I’ve run 21 full marathons, including three ultras (and numerous halves and 10ks). In September I also tackled an 11 day 500 mile Scotland to Wales National Three Peaks cycle and Tough Mudder Challenge.

 

It’s perverse, but even with terminal bowel cancer I’m in the best shape of my life. I go to the gym on average 3 times a week, run 3-4 times a week and try and fit in a cycle ride here and there too. In a way cancer has been great for my sporting career and great for my fitness. Facing my own mortality has made me tougher and more motivated than I’d ever thought possible. I often wonder if  my pre-cancer self would recognise me now.

And this last course of treatment has gone well. I’ve not taken any breaks for races. My body has coped admirably with the side effects and my blood levels have remained good throughout. I feel strong and healthy, so really it’s hard to imagine anything bad coming out in the scan results.

Fingers crossed. Hopefully all our prayers will be answered and we’ll get positive scan results that show stable disease and allow me to carry on with treatment.

 

To read more about scanxiety and coping:

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/scans-anxiety-scanxiety-my-biannual-checkup-in-boston.htm#ixzz43WkOpo8J

http://www.curetoday.com/community/tori-tomalia/2015/02/10-tips-for-coping-with-scanxiety

 

Ben’s Bowel Movements on facebook: facebook.com/6marathons6months

I’m on twitter too: @ChemoDadRuns

 

What an adventure, but now what have I let myself in for?

Been a while since I started writing this blog and I’m about to tackle my next big fitness challenge, so it felt like the right time for a bit of a recap. As many of you know I have been battling bowel cancer for more than three years. During this time my family and I have been through a lot. I’ve had two major surgeries and almost 60 fortnightly doses of chemo. We’ve certainly had our fair share of ups and downs, but this hasn’t been a depressing or hopeless time. We’ve always done our best to stay positive and fill our lives with happiness.

IMG_3497

I love my family. My wife and daughters give me strength and make me smile.

Two years ago I was given a terminal prognosis. My life was turned completely upside down. Life can be cruel sometimes and in an instant all my hopes for the future evaporated. My wife and children are my life, so being told I wouldn’t have the long and happy marriage I yearned for or the joy of seeing my beautiful girls blossom into young women and one day have families of their own was heartbreaking.

I adore my girls!

I adore my girls!

But I still wanted to achieve something with my life. Up to that point, the first two years of my cancer adventure, it felt like I’d let cancer take the lead. I didn’t want cancer to define me any longer, so despite my illness I pushed myself to start running again. I desperately wanted my life to mean something and running 6 marathons in 6 months seemed like a great way to start. I couldn’t stop at 6 marathons and I have now run 17 marathons over the last 17 months. Along with my friends and family, and thanks to the generous donations of lots and lots of people, I’ve raised more than £30,000 for cancer charities. An amazing amount of money and far beyond even our wildest dreams. When we started we’d hoped only to a fraction of that.

P1050503

Winning the Manchester Evening News competition to start the final wave of the Great Manchester Run and meet Paula Radcliffe was an incredible honour, one of the greatest things I’ve done. I feel very fortunate to have had opportunities like this.

The past year or so has been wonderful. We’ve done some amazing things and met some fantastic people. As well as raising money I had also set out to promote awareness of bowel cancer symptoms and hopefully make my family proud. With any luck I’ve managed to do some or all of these, but one thing I hadn’t planned was the effect all this exercise has had on my health. It sounds silly now, but I wasn’t really thinking about my health when I started running marathons. I quickly noticed how exercise helped me psychologically and lifted my mood (endorphins are awesome). After a while I also started to see that exercise helped me tolerate chemo and fight cancer too. The fitter I am, the better I can tolerate chemo and there’s also research to suggest that regular exercise can stop cancer growing or spreading. My oncologist believes my fitness helps me fight cancer too, which is fantastic.

I love being able to get out in the fresh air. I know how lucky I am. Many people in my situation are sadly unable to be active.

I love being able to get out in the fresh air. I know how lucky I am. Many people in my situation are sadly unable to be active.

Fundraising and fitness challenges were a remote prospect when I was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in March 2012. It came as a huge shock to me and my young family, but it galvanised us and we remained positive, even when I was given my terminal prognosis almost a year later in February 2013.

Picture with my daughters Skye and Isobel just after my bowel surgery

With my daughters Skye and Isobel just after my bowel surgery in March 2012. I hadn’t realised at the time just how thin I’d become.

Our wonderful Oncology team at the Rosemere Cancer Centre put me on a new treatment which fortunately started working and my health began to improve. I started running again and was determined to try and help the charites that had support my family and I during my cancer adventure.

Louise and I with The Indian Uncle I Never Knew I Had (aka our Oncologist)

Louise and I with The Indian Uncle I Never Knew I Had (aka our wonderful Oncologist)

On Sunday 2nd August I completed my 17th Marathon in 17th months over the Yorkshire 3 Peaks. I still love running, but the time is right to mix it up a little. So I’m planning to walk/run the National 3 Peaks in September and rather than drive I will be cycling the 450 miles between them instead.

A very wet, but awesome day running the Yorkshire Three Peaks. It was very tough, but I loved every minute!

A very wet, but awesome day running the Yorkshire Three Peaks. It was very tough, but I loved every minute!

But it doesn’t stop there. After I’ve finished my 10 days of cycling and walking I’m tackling my first Tough Mudder in Cheshire the day after. I can’t wait! This is something I have been planning for a long time. Training for it and preparing between chemo treatments is hard. This is certainly a huge challenge to take on and the biggest I’ve taken on so far. 11 straight days of activity is going to be gruelling, but I’m determined to do it! I want to carry on challenging my mind and body and redefining what I can expect from life and what it means to live with terminal cancer.

I've loved the cycle training, including this ride in the Lakes.

I’ve loved the cycle training, including this ride in the Lakes.

I’m raising money for three amazing cancer charities. Mummy’s Star, an incredible charity, supporting women going through cancer during pregnancy.

With Steve Marsden, one of the Mummy's Star trustees, during the Mummy's Star Three Peaks day

With Steve Marsden, one of the Mummy’s Star trustees, during the Mummy’s Star Three Peaks day

Beating Bowel Cancer campaign to raise awareness of bowel cancer and have supported me and my family during our cancer adventure.

Beating Bowel Cancer have been a great support to us all. We were bowled over to be given an Achievement Award to celebrate the fundraising work we've done over the last year.

Beating Bowel Cancer have been a great support to us all.
In April we were bowled over to be given an Achievement Award to celebrate the fundraising work we’ve done over the last year (Louise and I with patron Freya North and Chairman of the Board of Trustees Sir Christopher Pitchers).

Finally, the Rosemere Cancer Foundation supports the centre where I receive chemo every fortnight and have give me and my fellow patients great support.

I've been receiving treatment at the Rosemere Unit for more than 3 years. I'm very grateful for the care I've received there from the amazing Doctors, Nurses, Staff and Volunteers.

I’ve been receiving treatment at the Rosemere Unit for more than 3 years. I’m very grateful for the care I’ve received there from the amazing Doctors, Nurses, Staff and Volunteers.

As I’ve said, it’s very daunting, but my overwhelming feeling is one of gratitude. I’m very lucky to have the opportunity to do this. I wouldn’t be embarking on this challenge without the excellent care I’ve received at the Rosemarie Cancer Centre, based at the Royal Preston Hospital. The doctors, nurses, staff and volunteers there are amazing. Thanks to them and the treatment I receive every fortnight my last scan showed that my cancer hasn’t grown or spread. I finished my most recent course of treatment last week, so I’ve got a scan on Thursday, which sort of puts things in perspective really. It’s a worrying time waiting to find out what my cancer is up to and it reminds me that plenty of people would love the chance to do things like cycling and running, but can’t because of cancer, or other illnesses. I’m doing this challenge for them too!

Any donations are gratefully received. Thanks so much for all your support!!

Ben’s Epic National 3 Peaks Cycle Challenge schedule
1. Thurs 3rd September: Walk Ben Nevis
2. Friday 4th September: Cycle 1 Fort William to Tarbet
3. Saturday 5th September: Cycle 2 Tarbet to Mauchline
4. Sunday 6th September: Cycle 3 Mauchline to Annan
5. Monday 7th September: Cycle 4 Annan to Langdale
6. Tuesday 8th September: Walk Scafell Pike
7. Wednesday 9th September: Cycle 5 Langdale to Preston
8. Thursday 10th September: Cycle 6 Preston to Chester
9. Friday 11th September: Cycle 7 Chester to Llanberis
10. Saturday 12th September: Walk Snowdon
11. Sunday 13th September: North West Tough Mudder

Giving page: virginmoneygiving.com/BensBowelMovements

Facebook: facebook.com/6marathons6months

I’m on twitter too: @ChemoDadRuns

A little wobble…

Been a little quiet this week, but it’s been a really tough last few days. I don’t often battle with the mental rigours of treatment, but I really struggled on Monday, when my new course of treatment started. I guess a combination of anxiety over putting myself through it all again so soon (only a week after my last course finished) and the pressure I put on myself to train all the hours God sends put me in a tailspin.

Week started well seeing off Oliver and James as the cycled to Paris from Manchester to raise funds for the Rosemarie Cancer Foundation

Week started well seeing off Oliver and James as the cycled to Paris from Manchester to raise funds for the Rosemarie Cancer Foundation

I felt very positive when I woke up in the morning and was relishing starting treatment again. Last week before I got my scan results (positive- they showed my cancer hasn’t grown or spread) I was desperate to have good results and to start treatment again. I was so eager I booked my next treatment appointment only a week after my last course had ended.

Lovely breakfast with my ladies.  A great way to begin a treatment day.

Lovely breakfast with my ladies. A great way to begin a treatment day.

In hindsight I probably should have given myself a little more time to get my head around it all. Finishing a course of treatment, going for scans and waiting for results is a huge rollercoaster we go through every 3-4 months. Starting treatment is a different challenge all together and a very tough one at that. I know treatment does me good, but no matter how great the benefits it still makes me feel very ill. Knowing this and going for treatment anyway is the toughest thing I do. Much harder than any session at the gym or miles run in the street. Very occasionally (in fact just one other occasion in the last 3 years/ 4 doses of chemo) I’m reluctant to go for treatment.

Had a great walk to school with my lovely eldest Skye.

Had a great walk to school with my lovely eldest Skye.

I always try and fit in lots the morning of a treatment appointment. I know I’ll be ill for a a few days after so I always do my best to run and get to the gym. I know my training and level of activity helps me fight cancer and tolerate chemo, so I’m really dedicated to exercise. Sadly the trouble is that dedication can sometimes cross over into obsession. I was determined to go to the gym and run before treatment. I got so stuck in when I got to the gym I ended up taking too long and couldn’t run to my chemo appointment without being late. It sounds really silly now looking back after almost a week, but I had a bit of a wobble. I was reminded just how much chemo sucks and how little control I have over my cancer.

A beautiful day. Shame I got so worked up.

A beautiful day. Shame I got so worked up.

We pack a lot of life around treatment and I work hard to achieve a good balance in my life. We do this to try and quieten the spectre of cancer and treatment so my illness doesn’t don’t take over and spoil the time we have together as a family. But on Monday morning that spectre raged back into existence, took over that morning and hasn’t really left me alone all week.

At the gym :(

At the gym 😦

I was really grateful for the patience of my wife, Louise, and the nurses at the Rosemere Unit, who were amazing and helped sort me out. I often write about how wonderful the nurses are, but they were especially great that day, especially the Ward Manager Sister Biltcliffe and the ever lovely Nurse Mand. In the end I had treatment and it was thanks to them and the care and reassurance they gave me. Louise has been amazing all week. I really ought to write this, because her efforts really deserve to be praised. I’ve been a bear with a sore head all week and she’s been kind, understanding and even dogged in dealing with me. Thanks love!

The ever awesome Mand. She always makes me smile!

The ever awesome Mand. She always makes me smile!

Sister Biltcliffe was amazing!

Sister Biltcliffe was amazing!

I know I’ve done this to myself. I got myself tidied up in knots by putting myself under pressure to train, which left me vulnerable to worries over my illness. I can’t let this happen again, so in future I’ll be more disciplined in my training. I’m putting together a proper schedule for gym sessions and running and cycling training. I won’t stop training the morning of treatment it really helps me settle into a chemo day, but if I schedule less demanding sessions for those mornings I can fit it all in better.

IMG_5568

Little by little the week got better. Largely thanks to my family. Love my little Heidi.

I feel very lucky to have treatment options and I’ll never take chemo for granted, but this week has been tough and I feel cross with myself for struggling emotionally when so many people would love the chance to have treatment. I guess there’s no rulebook when it comes to living with cancer and constant treatment. I guess all we can do is muddle along the best we can and learn from our mistakes.

A lovely way to end the week. We went along to watch our friend Fay take part in the Great North Swim where she swam 2 miles.

A lovely way to end the week. We went along to watch our friend Fay take part in the Great North Swim where she swam 2 miles.

Thanks for all your support and the wonderful messages you send. I’ll do my best ti make you proud! 🙂

Had a lovely day watching Fay swim. So proud of my running bestie!! Her and her friend Ali have raised almost £1000 for Beating Bowel Cancer and Mummy's Star Cancer charities.

Had a lovely day watching Fay swim. So proud of my running bestie!! Her and her friend Ali have raised almost £1000 for Beating Bowel Cancer and Mummy’s Star Cancer charities.

Ben’s Bowel Movements. Fighting cancer one challenge at a tIme in support of cancer charities:

Giving page:

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/BensBowelMovements

Facebook:
Facebook.com/6marathons6months

I’m on twitter too:
@ChemoDadRuns

Hooray for chemo?

I started writing this a couple of weeks ago when I was recovering from treatment. It’s funny reading it back the morning of my scan results. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with chemo. It’s horrible stuff. It’s really nauseating and tiring and after more than 50 doses I occasionally find it difficult to feel happy about going for treatment. On those occasions I’m really grateful for the nurses who soon perk me up:

Nafisa treated me last time.  I'm so grateful for all the care the nurses at Rosemere give me.

Nafisa treated me last time. I’m so grateful for all the care the nurses at Rosemere give me.

I always seem to forget what chemo is like. It’s probably a measure of how much we manage to pack into the time between treatments, but it’s always a surprise how much it knocks me out. I don’t think I dwell too much on treatment and how nauseas and tired it makes me. If I did I probably wouldn’t want to go. 
I ran to the hospital for the last dose of chemo from that course. A novel way to travel ;)

I ran to the hospital for my chemo appontment. It was the final dose of my most recent course of treatment. I’ve never run to have treatment before, but I always run the morning before chemo. It was a novel way to travel 😉

I ran to the hospital for my chemo appontment. It was the final dose of my most recent course of treatment. I’ve never run to have treatment before, but I always run the morning before chemo. It was a novel way to travel 😉

I was really frustrated this week. Being stuck in bed for days is tedious. I’m an active person and when I’m not stuck in bed I’m out running, cycling and lifting weights in the gym. I know how lucky I am. I probably get more exercise than anyone receiving cancer treatment has a right to expect, so I should probably be more laid back about not being able to train. I should be more kind to myself, but I know my level of activity gives my cancer a battering. According to Macmillan’s Move More report, bowel cancer patients that get 6 hours moderate intensity exercise a week can reduce their risk of dying from the disease by around 50% and, generally speaking, the fitter I get the more I can tolerate chemo. I know exercise helps me, so I feel extremely motivated to train as often and as hard as I can. There is a fine line between dedication and obsession though and this week in my frustration I may have lost sight of where it is.
I was out running and going to the gym days after I wrote this. I should have had more patience with myself!

I was out running and going to the gym days after I wrote this. I should have had more patience with myself!

I think anyone would feel the same. It’s great having the chance to watch movies and TV shows, but there’s only so much you can watch before you start to go bonkers. I wonder how other cancer patients manage. 
I love the running and the beautiful sights I get to see when I'm out pounding the streets. It's one of the things I miss when I'm in bed after chemo.

I love the running and the beautiful sights I get to see when I’m out pounding the streets. It’s one of the things I miss when I’m in bed after chemo.

No matter how difficult or annoying it is for me it’s much harder work for my family, especially my wife Louise. It’s not easy for her caring for me as I languish in bed. I lose count of the number off times she makes the trip up and down the stairs bringing me food, drink and helping me to feel less isolated during my time convalescing. She has a job and three children to feed, take to nursery and two different schools and extra curricular activities. It’s a struggle for and I honestly don’t know how she manages. When I rise from my slumber she’ll apologise for the state of the house, but I just think It’s amazing how she’s kept us going and all fed and the girls in clean clothes each morning.
She’d never say or even suggest it, but I still feel a bit of a burden. I also worry about the impact my being in bed has on the girls. It can’t be easy for them to see me in bed and so weak. 
Ran my 15th marathon yesterday. Feel so lucky to be able to run! I hope my results are good, so I can plan more marathons!

Ran my 15th marathon with my friend Fay yesterday. Feel so lucky to be able to run! I hope my results are good, so I can plan more marathons!

It is funny reading this back today of all days. I don’t think cancer treatment is something anyone ever actively enjoys. It’s interesting to read back and see how frustrated I get sometimes and how worried I get about the effect it has on my family, but as I often say chemo is better than the alternative. Sometimes I don’t want to go for treatment, but I know how lucky I’ve been to have treatment options and I’ll never complain about having chemo. Lots of people would love to be in my situation and be receiving treatment. It has prolonged my life. Our Oncologist gave me 6-12 months to live 28 months ago, in that time I’ve done so much. I’ve run 15 marathons and with our friends and family we’ve raised more than £30,000 for charity, but the best thing of all has been celebrating two birthdays with all three of my daughters. I’ve lived long enough to have lovely, proper conversations with my youngest, see my middle daughter start school and my eldest approach the end of primary school. I know that treatment (and my exercise) has given me so much more life. If this is my life- to go for treatment every fortnight I’ll happily take it.
Out for a walk with my girls. My eldest recently took off the stabilisers on her bike. Very proud!

Out for a walk with my girls. My eldest recently took off the stabilisers on her bike. Very proud!

I may have the occasional grumble or frustration with treatment and side effects, but right now I just want to hear the news that my scan results are positive and that my cancer hasn’t grown or spread. I yearn for nothing more than the opportunity to have more treatment. No matter how tough treatment can be booking my next chemo appointment is going to be fantastic.