I started writing this a couple of weeks ago when I was recovering from treatment. It’s funny reading it back the morning of my scan results. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with chemo. It’s horrible stuff. It’s really nauseating and tiring and after more than 50 doses I occasionally find it difficult to feel happy about going for treatment. On those occasions I’m really grateful for the nurses who soon perk me up:
I always seem to forget what chemo is like. It’s probably a measure of how much we manage to pack into the time between treatments, but it’s always a surprise how much it knocks me out. I don’t think I dwell too much on treatment and how nauseas and tired it makes me. If I did I probably wouldn’t want to go.
I ran to the hospital for my chemo appontment. It was the final dose of my most recent course of treatment. I’ve never run to have treatment before, but I always run the morning before chemo. It was a novel way to travel 😉
I was really frustrated this week. Being stuck in bed for days is tedious. I’m an active person and when I’m not stuck in bed I’m out running, cycling and lifting weights in the gym. I know how lucky I am. I probably get more exercise than anyone receiving cancer treatment has a right to expect, so I should probably be more laid back about not being able to train. I should be more kind to myself, but I know my level of activity gives my cancer a battering. According to Macmillan’s Move More report, bowel cancer patients that get 6 hours moderate intensity exercise a week can reduce their risk of dying from the disease by around 50% and, generally speaking, the fitter I get the more I can tolerate chemo. I know exercise helps me, so I feel extremely motivated to train as often and as hard as I can. There is a fine line between dedication and obsession though and this week in my frustration I may have lost sight of where it is.
I think anyone would feel the same. It’s great having the chance to watch movies and TV shows, but there’s only so much you can watch before you start to go bonkers. I wonder how other cancer patients manage.
No matter how difficult or annoying it is for me it’s much harder work for my family, especially my wife Louise. It’s not easy for her caring for me as I languish in bed. I lose count of the number off times she makes the trip up and down the stairs bringing me food, drink and helping me to feel less isolated during my time convalescing. She has a job and three children to feed, take to nursery and two different schools and extra curricular activities. It’s a struggle for and I honestly don’t know how she manages. When I rise from my slumber she’ll apologise for the state of the house, but I just think It’s amazing how she’s kept us going and all fed and the girls in clean clothes each morning.
She’d never say or even suggest it, but I still feel a bit of a burden. I also worry about the impact my being in bed has on the girls. It can’t be easy for them to see me in bed and so weak.
It is funny reading this back today of all days. I don’t think cancer treatment is something anyone ever actively enjoys. It’s interesting to read back and see how frustrated I get sometimes and how worried I get about the effect it has on my family, but as I often say chemo is better than the alternative. Sometimes I don’t want to go for treatment, but I know how lucky I’ve been to have treatment options and I’ll never complain about having chemo. Lots of people would love to be in my situation and be receiving treatment. It has prolonged my life. Our Oncologist gave me 6-12 months to live 28 months ago, in that time I’ve done so much. I’ve run 15 marathons and with our friends and family we’ve raised more than £30,000 for charity, but the best thing of all has been celebrating two birthdays with all three of my daughters. I’ve lived long enough to have lovely, proper conversations with my youngest, see my middle daughter start school and my eldest approach the end of primary school. I know that treatment (and my exercise) has given me so much more life. If this is my life- to go for treatment every fortnight I’ll happily take it.
I may have the occasional grumble or frustration with treatment and side effects, but right now I just want to hear the news that my scan results are positive and that my cancer hasn’t grown or spread. I yearn for nothing more than the opportunity to have more treatment. No matter how tough treatment can be booking my next chemo appointment is going to be fantastic.